Thursday, April 29, 2010

Disturbing Old Diary Entry, September 1986

The other day I came across this diary entry from September 1986 which made me a bit sad.

I went through a very rough period of depression from the start of the school year in 1986 (9th grade) until basically the day I graduated high school.

This particular diary is purplish pink and is actually a hardcover journal which I believe was purchased through a book club at school. It was made "Especially for Girls" and actually says so in fancy writing along the inside lining of the journal.

The top of the page says "My Secrets..."



What were my secrets in September of 1986 at age 13? Hang on, I'm about to tell you. But... I feel slightly scared to. You have to promise not to judge me. Please? Okay... You must also promise to still love me and visit my blog again another day. Alright? No matter what!

"I'm not having any kids. I'm very unhappy. I'm a very unhappy person. I dislike my father a lot. I'm a loner. I love to be alone. I love The Monkees. I wish I was as pretty as Micky Dolenz daughter Ami Dolenz. I like quiet. I don't know if there's a God. I dread school more than anything in the entire world. I don't get along with my family very well. I have thought of different ways to kill myself. I have had very deep conversations with Danny and Sean. Very deep, private conversations. I am very, very depressed about school."

I remember there were a few years where I couldn't stand my father. We clashed most days. He hated that I spent late nights on the phone. I think that the" not getting along well with my family" thing must have been an adolescence phase. I'm not a parent, so I don't know first-hand, but I hear kids go through a rough stage once they hit 13.

I find it funny that the first line says that I'm not having any kids. Here I am, still unsure if I'm having any kids. I don't know if there's a god, I consider myself agnostic. Sadly, I can't lie, every once in a while the thought of a painless death crosses my mind, but fear has always stopped me.

PS This was Ami Dolenz. She had some bit parts in movies like Can't Buy Me Love and played Sloane on the TV series version of Ferris Bueller.

47 comments:

Copyboy said...

Glad you were able to share something so personal like that. If just for the simple reason that you'll get a ton of comments of why that thought shouldn’t even enter your head. You are an incredible talent and an amazing person whose words WILL definitely have an impact on others. There, I started the ball rolling. Little help people?

1950's_atomic_ranch_house said...

I remember telling my Jr. High school friend I was NOT going to have kids. I never did, and no regrets for my decision.

Oh I'm an old lady now, so I lived a long time with no regrets lol...

Amber said...

Can we say you were in an "ackward" stage? Poor thing!!!! I think we all hated our dads at that age.....

Marlene said...

Wow, I could have written some of that. (I probably did, too.)

HUGS.

Riot Kitty said...

I can totally relate to just about all of that...and it's very brave of you to talk about depression and having those kinds of thoughts. I've struggled with it since high school.

Sara Louise said...

Wow, that brought back a whirlwind of memories. Junior high was the worst, most uncomfortable time.
Opening up like that was brave :-)

Lauren said...

o...m...g...I had EXACTLY the same secrets as you in 1986! I was 12. And depressed. Hated school. Hated the family. Loved the Monkees. Was pretty sure G-d didn't exist, or possibly that he/she/it was out to get me. Contemplated suicide occasionally. Didn't want kids. Does jr high just universally suck?

Ms. Anthropy said...

Depression didn't hit me until adulthood. I think it's normal to go through a rough patch when puberty kicks in. It's like "who the heck am I?" I think our parents were probably wondering who the heck we were, too. Some figure it out, some never do.

MoonDoggie said...

I love reading your diary entries. I felt for 13 year old Ally in this post. As other people have commented, I had these thoughts and feelings too. I'm glad you stuck around :)

TS Hendrik said...

No judging. I admire your courage to post something so personal. I'd never have the guts to print anything from my journals.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

It read like my own diary, and I see others have said that. The feelings are so normal, Ally. Thanks for sharing!
xoRobyn

Blast from the Past said...

Ally -

There is nothing wrong with any of what you shared. I believe that any normal 13 year old kid - boy or girl - has tons of thoughts that include these types of things.

Thank you for being brave and sharing this, and don't be concerned about it. Your sharing this helps us all to see that the thoughts that we all had growing up were normal.

I believe that most of us grew out of most of these things, and that ultimately these thoughts and concerns, be they good or bad, are what helped to shaped us all as individuals.

Jerry said...

Totally no judgments here. Everyone has a bad time in high school. It's the end of innocence and the start of pain and ridicule for those deemed not cool. Glad you made it through and your an amazing person who is extremely talented.

Rapunzel said...

I saw Hot Tub Time Machine last night where they go back to 1986 so it's quite a coincidence you are doing a post from the same year!

Very brave of you to post it. I tend to feel sorry for kids nowadays but actually if there had been blogs then you might have been able to find out that you were perfectly normal.

Rapunzel x
www.talesfromthetower.co.uk

Joe Cap said...

I didn't know The Mick had a daughter! Don't worry, you should have seen ME at 13...in fact, I am still a bit quirky today!
By the way, I still like the Monkees!

Powdered Toast Man said...

I think everybody hits a rough patch at and around 13. High School is a crazy time for everyone. Thanks for the Ami pic, I was wondering what she looked like after you mentioned her.

Kathie @ Just a Happy Housewife said...

I had that exact same journal!!

I always said I wasn't having kids either and I still don't have any...some days I'm thankful that I don't!

I'm a loner and like to be alone at 34 :-)

Teachinfourth said...

I think we all have a lot of those same thoughts at 13, 23, 33, 43, 53…I don't think that there's anything to be ashamed of. Usually, we just don't let others know that we're having them.

Way to be brave.

Rebekah said...

Wow! That was real and raw. And I'm glad you shared it. As a parent, I needed to hear it and to prepare myself; my oldest is about to be 9 so, the dreaded teen years are quickly approaching.

Mom Mayhem says: said...

I think most of us back in adolescent days had similar -secrets. And I think you are brave for sharing that!

Michelle Pixie said...

Can I just say this made me like you even more then I already do! I went through the same kind of phase as well and am still kind of going through it...although I have the kids now I wasn't the one who thought she would ever have kids so I am still pretty surprised by my life now. But all other stuff I am right there with ya! ;-)

Joann Mannix said...

Ally, how sweetly sad and really so telling of teenage angst. You should never be afraid. There is nothing in that post that you should regret. It actually thunked me on the head as I sat here reading this and realizing that my 3 girls are probably feeling a lot of these same things. Trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in this world. Your post is going to make me listen more and yell less.

I didn't want kids ever. And then when I was almost 30, this desire for children swallowed me whole. I love those girls with everything i have and to this day, I'm still amazed that I am a mom.

Great post. Thanks for baring your teenage soul.

LaraAnn said...

Thanks for sharing this entry. I really hated high school and didn't get along with my father also. I definitely don't want kids
and it's good to know that others feel the same way about this because sometimes I'm afraid that some people might think I'm weird. I have been suffering depression for a long time now so I can relate to your past feelings. Love your blog and always look forward to new posts.

Cara Smith said...

Being a teen is a really hard time, especially if you were not part of the "in" crowd.

Depression and stress were things I was not allowed to relate to, because they were adult problems according to my parents.

Some people, even some freinds of mine, don't make it through that phase. You came out on top! You made it, and that is a major achievement in my book!

Cheeseboy said...

I liked the Monkeys as a kid too, but that is a very random person to want to look like.

13 was probably the hardest year of my life. I would never want to return to 13. I'm sure if I would have written in a journal it would be similar, except I probably would have wanted to look and act like Ferris Bueller.

bbcd mama said...

I'm already NOT looking forward to the teen years with 2 girls.

Babes Mami said...

I'm so proud you shared something so personal and of course I will still love you and visit! These are totally normal thoughts for teenagers that almost everyone has had at some time.

MiMi said...

I think it's awesome that you still have the journal and can see where you have come from.
I remember having a journal for about 3 seconds. I was convinced my mom would see that I wrote that I hated my grandpa so I erased it.

Christiejolu said...

9th grade is a rough year. It is a transition into high school. My ephew is going through some depression that started in the 9th grade. Between hormones and changing schools. It is a rough year. You are a brave woman in sharing this and I am sure you will find you are not alone.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Thank you so much for sharing something so personal. I think most kids if they had a journal like that, it would say pretty much the same thing. Really Truly I do.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

I work with thirteen-year-old kids, had 3 kids who were 13 at some point, and was 13 myself long, long ago. The only good thing about being thirteen is that someday you will be 16. It is a terribly difficult time for everyone. Particularly for those who feel things more intensely than others. Sounds as though you have a fantastic perspective on things now. It is so odd to look back at the person we once were, and to see how we became the person we are now.

ScoMan said...

I read your diary entry and thought "I see a lot of myself in that, over various stages of my life".. some of it still relates today.

Except for the Monkees. I never liked the Monkees. You're on your own there.

Lindsay said...

Hey, I've given you a blog award! Check out my page for the details.

Marissa said...

Hi, first time here! Our diaries are meant to make us cringe decades later. I can't believe there are other people, like me, who HATED school. It must go with the loner thing.

Ally said...

Wow, you guys are so awesome for not hating on me for this post.

Cheeseboy - I know it seems random but you have no idea how OBSESSED with Micky I once was. I knew the history and details of his entire family back then. Lame, I know.

RN Mama said...

I appreciate your honesty in this post, as I'm sure a lot of other bloggers do!

P.S. I swear I had that same Diary! I don't even want to know what mine would say if I found it today!

Mainland Streel said...

My teenage diary often read a lot like this... Some people are just more prone to depression, I think. I always have been.

Thank you for sharing, Ally. If I ever get my paws on my old diaries again, maybe I will do the same. :)

@llison said...

I had that EXACT same journal, no lie! And that was probably in 1996, when I was 11 - I remember ordering it from some book club or another, the same one where I got my "Girl Talk" books from! Too funny.

Lisa Marie said...

Ahhhh teen angst. It is so real, so vivid when it is all happening and to be able to read about how you felt then can really put your life into perspective. That was a really personal entry and you are one brave girlie for sharing. This is why you rock! XXOO

Bossy Betty said...

We should always love the people we used to be. Thanks for sharing this. We all went through similar stages.

Krista said...

I think I wrote those same things just last week! Jr. high absolutely sucks! I did some stupid things and I was awkwardly .... not very cute. Thank goodness or I would have done even stupider things. I've always believed in God since I was a little girl. That would suck if we had nothing to look forward to after the hell we experience here. Well, we are survivors of Jr. high! We should have a trophy or T-shirt.

Lady Hill said...

I have that exact journal sitting in a box in my parents room.
Oddly enough that journal also contains some of my darkest secrets of my highschool years.

I thought about suicide a lot back then. School was the most horrible place on earth and almost 10 years after graduation I still start to shake when I pass it on the road on the way to my parents house.

I'm glad fear has always stopped you. And myself.

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

Great post Ally.... I didn't have a great time in high school.... My mom and I were always at odds.... I didn't have many friends.... I wasn't the coolest kid in school....

There were many times that I visited this dark place.... I started working at 14 and tossed myself into that, trying to do my job to the best of my ability.... It helped me keep my head on straight, and the praise from my bosses was enough to help motivate me and help me feel needed....

You've become a wonderful lady and a wonderful writer, and we're glad that you're still around!

No kids though? My kids complete me (was that cheesy enough of a line?).... I kind of went with the whole philosophy that I'm going to be a better parent than my parents were.... So far, so good....

I think you'd be a great mother.... Can't you imagine making shrinky dinks with your little ones?

Teresa @ ♥ TOO MANY HEARTBEATS ♥ said...

As a teen of the 80's and a parent of teens now, I can definitely relate to this post. I admire you for being able to post this.

Teresa <><

Lawfrog said...

I found this post because one of your current ones had it listed underneath as "other posts you might enjoy."

No judgment here. First of all, the teen years and 9th grade in particular are just rough. It's the start of high school, which can be a difficult time and frankly, I think most teens suffer from low-level (and sometimes total) depression throughout high school in some way or another.

Also, everyone has had suicide cross their mind at one point or another. Sometimes life gets to be too much and the escape of an easy death just seems enticing. It's when the thoughts are frequent and/or you start making plans that you need to worry about it.

Sign me up as another who has not had children and does not regret it. I'm 35 now and am more and more certain of my decision to be childfree every day.

b-chica said...

Thank you for sharing something so personal. Someone who is 13 now and miserable may come across it and not feel so alone. I was pretty unhappy at various time, though 13 was a pretty decent time for me (had my small group of "bad girl" friends and we felt we owned the world). Ages 10-12 sucked and most of ages 14-15 was damn crappy too.

Pathvain said...

I’ve been looking for a book either from the late 80’s or early 90’s for years and was hoping someone could help me find it. It might have been part of the especially for girls book club. It was about two sisters (definitely not Sweet Valley), I think the main one was a writer and the other might have been good at math. I think they were pre-teens. The main character didn’t have any friends but started making a friend on a school bus, the friend might have been named Melissa/Marissa. I remember them talking about Anne of Green Gables on the bus ride. I think the main character used to go up in a tower/attic/some special room with a window when she wanted to write. I know it’s not a lot to go on! The cover was light purple and had a sullen-looking blonde girl with glasses in the center. Any help would be much appreciated!

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