More of My Disturbing Teen Diary Entries

So flipping through my old journals, I've come across some more disturbing 10th grade diary entries that I probably shouldn't share with anyone, but I will. Hey, we all need a little depressing drama once in a while, right?

December 4, 1988 (age 15)

I hate my brother. More than you will ever know.

I'm listening to the Cure today. I've been listening to the Smiths a lot, but needed a break. I want to hear Robert Smith's voice sing about his girlfriends and love and how everything turns shitty for poor Robert. I love him.

I can't wait until Xmas but I don't want to go to church. I refuse to go to church and nobody's gonna make me. No one. There is no g*d, wake up you crazy losers. If there was a g*d, there wouldn't be suffering in the world. People wouldn't hurt other people. A real g*d wouldn't let that happen. 

Why am I so weak? I cry all the time for so many reasons, I don't know anymore. I always cry and cry and cry.  Nobody wants to know me. They hate me so much. I don't care. I want to cry now just thinking about it. Nobody even wants to know me or talk to me. I hate the people in school.They're so immature. 


"'No' such a beautiful word to speak, such a frightening word to hear."

I honestly don't remember writing this, though I do remember feeling it. I Googled that quote to see if it was a song lyric, I guess I made it up myself. I dabbled in poetry in high school. I was that quiet, weird Gothic type kid that nobody understood or really knew. I felt like I didn't have anything in common with anyone and entering a public school suddenly in grade 10, not knowing anyone didn't help.

December 18, 1988 Sunday (age 15)

Ugh, I hate Sundays, especially Sunday night. I wish I could take a day off this week from school. I have to read and do a report on some horrible book... 

I wish I were skinny. I am going to the drug store to buy pills. I need to find diet pills and see if that will help.

To this day, I hate Sundays. I truly did hate school. Every minute of it. It's amazing that I graduated and enjoyed college after hating the majority of K-12 as much as I did. 

As for diet pills, 1988 began my unsuccessful love affair with OTC diet pills. They never worked. From Dexatrim to TrimSpa, I've tried it all. Prescription diet medications, on the other hand, were amazing. I'd drop 60. However, as you can guess, the problem was I'd gain it back as soon as I stopped taking the medication. Every prescription diet medication I ever took, became banned as soon as it began to work. Figures.  I think you can still find these meds (Phentermine/Ionomin and Tenuate) on non-USA drug-pushing pharma websites. I'd never mess with that nonsense today, so don't worry and drugs like Alli relies on one pooping which I'd prefer to stay away from.

December 26, 1988 Monday (age 15)

Christmas was okay this year. I got an answering machine, Benetton perfume, $200 cash, a GAP cardigan, GAP gift certificates. "Nameless Guy" is coming over, I gotta run.

There was a time in the 1980s when GAP and Benetton totally did it for me. Family members would ask for a wish list and I'd say "Anything from the GAP or Benetton" ... "Nameless Guy" was my good friend. I had a crush on him, but he didn't like me that way. We once made out in his parent's basement and he stopped me and sent me home. Today he is gay and I'm totally cool with that. I'm just saying that may have attributed to him not digging me, but then again, most guys in general don't dig me (thank gawd I found one and held on to him!), but it's all good. 

Disturbing Old Diary Entry, September 1986

The other day I came across this diary entry from September 1986 which made me a bit sad.

I went through a very rough period of depression from the start of the school year in 1986 (9th grade) until basically the day I graduated high school.

This particular diary is purplish pink and is actually a hardcover journal which I believe was purchased through a book club at school. It was made "Especially for Girls" and actually says so in fancy writing along the inside lining of the journal.

The top of the page says "My Secrets..."

What were my secrets in September of 1986 at age 13? Hang on, I'm about to tell you. But... I feel slightly scared to. You have to promise not to judge me. Please? Okay... You must also promise to still love me and visit my blog again another day. Alright? No matter what!

"I'm not having any kids. I'm very unhappy. I'm a very unhappy person. I dislike my father a lot. I'm a loner. I love to be alone. I love The Monkees. I wish I was as pretty as Micky Dolenz daughter Ami Dolenz. I like quiet. I don't know if there's a God. I dread school more than anything in the entire world. I don't get along with my family very well. I have thought of different ways to kill myself. I have had very deep conversations with Danny and Sean. Very deep, private conversations. I am very, very depressed about school."

I remember there were a few years where I couldn't stand my father. We clashed most days. He hated that I spent late nights on the phone. I think that the" not getting along well with my family" thing must have been an adolescence phase. I'm not a parent, so I don't know first-hand, but I hear kids go through a rough stage once they hit 13.

I find it funny that the first line says that I'm not having any kids. Here I am, still unsure if I'm having any kids. I don't know if there's a god, I consider myself agnostic. Sadly, I can't lie, every once in a while the thought of a painless death crosses my mind, but fear has always stopped me.

PS This was Ami Dolenz. She had some bit parts in movies like Can't Buy Me Love and played Sloane on the TV series version of Ferris Bueller.

High School Diary Entries, March of 1988

It's been a while since I've gone back and rehashed some old diary entries for you... so here we go ... My current "two cents" are in itals!

Today we're going back to March, 1988. I was in 10th grade, my first year back into the scary world of public school.

Saturday, March 12, 1988

Spring is so ultimately depressing. When I hear birds chirping it brings back sad memories, memories of my ex-best friend, Serena who dumped me as soon as we left grammar school. (It's funny to read this first line--I actually blogged about how birds chirping depresses me today but for different reasons. I think I've just always hated the spring season for one reason or another.) The fun times I had in 7th and 8th grade. My new love for The Monkees. (I was this crazy insane Monkees fanatic from age 12-15).

Sunday, March 13, 1988

What a fun-filled weekend! Tracey slept over last night. I babysat tonight and made $8 (I guess that was a lot back then!).

Right now there's some kind of gas leak on our block. There are tonz of fire engines, cop cars and people. I wonder if they will make us all evacuate. I'm thinking about what items to take in case of an emergency. Sorta like personal possessions. I'd want to take all of my Monkees stuff and Trapper Keeper of autographed pix, etc. 

Two firemen just rang the door bell and came into our basement. I'm so scared. What if our house blows up? I don't smell any gas. I hope everything is OK. It's 11:15 pm and I'm afraid to go to sleep. (Totally don't remember this!)

Tuesday, March 15, 1988

I think Tracey is ending our friendship because of Kathy K. I can tell she doesn't like me. (I remember this short-lived friendship and to this day, do not know why we stopped being friends. There wasn't a fight or anything, we just drifted. I totally forgot her BFF Kathy was a bit weird to me when Tracey befriended me. Oh well, we're friendly on Facebook today.)

I wish I could lose 50 lbs. If I lost 50 lbs. I'd:

• Wear mini skirts.
• I'd fit into more ESPRIT brand clothing.
• Maybe I'd be a cheerleader.
• I'd ask guys out.
• I'd hang out at the beach and pool.
• I'd feel so confident.

Wednesday, March 16, 1988

This kid Fred is kinda cute. Not my type but a little cute. 

Tracey called me tonight. She is bringing in a Champion shirt for me to borrow. I'm so excited. (Champion sweatshirts were over-sized sweatshirts with the "C" logo on them. They were super popular between 1987-1988 and cost about $40, my parents bought me two but that was their limit so oftentimes I'd borrow them from other girls.) I got to borrow a gray one from Shannon too. 

Tracey is so pretty. She can have any guy she wants. I wish I could pick and choose a guy to date.  If I only could loose 50 lbs. I would be able to do that too, maybe. I don't get it, so many ugly chicks in school have boyfriends, but I guess because they're skinny that's all that matters. (Back then we didn't know the term "Butterface"...)

Thursday, March 17, 1988

This kid Scott T. was actually nice to me today. I was always really nice to him, but he was always a jerk to me. Totally hated me for some reason. It seems like anyone I like is mean to me. Tomorrow I'm going into school late, Mom and I are going out to lunch. 

Tuesday, March 23, 1988 

I got a 93 on my Math test!!!!! I'm so angry though, I know I haven't lost any weight and I have to weigh in tomorrow. What a joke. I don't even know why I go to these Weight Watcher meetings. They must think I'm such a jerk. Shannon gave out her birthday invitations today.

I love rereading these old diaries. It's amazing to see that in many ways I haven't really changed much.

*Champion sweatshirt image taken from a vintage clothing site: VintageTrends.com