Thursday, July 15, 2010
So flipping through my old journals, I've come across some more disturbing 10th grade diary entries that I probably shouldn't share with anyone, but I will. Hey, we all need a little depressing drama once in a while, right?
December 4, 1988 (age 15)
I hate my brother. More than you will ever know.
I'm listening to the Cure today. I've been listening to the Smiths a lot, but needed a break. I want to hear Robert Smith's voice sing about his girlfriends and love and how everything turns shitty for poor Robert. I love him.
I can't wait until Xmas but I don't want to go to church. I refuse to go to church and nobody's gonna make me. No one. There is no g*d, wake up you crazy losers. If there was a g*d, there wouldn't be suffering in the world. People wouldn't hurt other people. A real g*d wouldn't let that happen.
Why am I so weak? I cry all the time for so many reasons, I don't know anymore. I always cry and cry and cry. Nobody wants to know me. They hate me so much. I don't care. I want to cry now just thinking about it. Nobody even wants to know me or talk to me. I hate the people in school.They're so immature.
"'No' such a beautiful word to speak, such a frightening word to hear."
I honestly don't remember writing this, though I do remember feeling it. I Googled that quote to see if it was a song lyric, I guess I made it up myself. I dabbled in poetry in high school. I was that quiet, weird Gothic type kid that nobody understood or really knew. I felt like I didn't have anything in common with anyone and entering a public school suddenly in grade 10, not knowing anyone didn't help.
December 18, 1988 Sunday (age 15)
Ugh, I hate Sundays, especially Sunday night. I wish I could take a day off this week from school. I have to read and do a report on some horrible book...
I wish I were skinny. I am going to the drug store to buy pills. I need to find diet pills and see if that will help.
To this day, I hate Sundays. I truly did hate school. Every minute of it. It's amazing that I graduated and enjoyed college after hating the majority of K-12 as much as I did.
As for diet pills, 1988 began my unsuccessful love affair with OTC diet pills. They never worked. From Dexatrim to TrimSpa, I've tried it all. Prescription diet medications, on the other hand, were amazing. I'd drop 60. However, as you can guess, the problem was I'd gain it back as soon as I stopped taking the medication. Every prescription diet medication I ever took, became banned as soon as it began to work. Figures. I think you can still find these meds (Phentermine/Ionomin and Tenuate) on non-USA drug-pushing pharma websites. I'd never mess with that nonsense today, so don't worry and drugs like Alli relies on one pooping which I'd prefer to stay away from.
December 26, 1988 Monday (age 15)
Christmas was okay this year. I got an answering machine, Benetton perfume, $200 cash, a GAP cardigan, GAP gift certificates. "Nameless Guy" is coming over, I gotta run.
There was a time in the 1980s when GAP and Benetton totally did it for me. Family members would ask for a wish list and I'd say "Anything from the GAP or Benetton" ... "Nameless Guy" was my good friend. I had a crush on him, but he didn't like me that way. We once made out in his parent's basement and he stopped me and sent me home. Today he is gay and I'm totally cool with that. I'm just saying that may have attributed to him not digging me, but then again, most guys in general don't dig me (thank gawd I found one and held on to him!), but it's all good.