The Most Painful Breakup

Getting dumped sucks.

One of my favorite bloggers, Jules, the cool chick behind Mean Girl Garage recently reflected back on a college romance gone wrong when her boyfriend cheated on her. Now, although I don't have actual proof that my college boyfriend cheated on me, one thing I can relate to is the feeling of heartbreak.

She is happily married today, as am I, but one thing's for sure, you never forget the most painful breakup. We've all been there and it downright sucks. I'm not gonna lie. It's just a pain you never want to experience again. Obviously no relationship is infallible and nothing is a sure thing. I just honestly hope I never have to revisit that deep, dark emo place ever again.

Although Jules' guy flat out admitted he cheated and fell for someone new, my situation was slightly different. My college boyfriend and I were together for 3.5 years. I was certain he was the one. He was artistic. He was cool -- born and raised in NYC. He was extremely intelligent. He was that guy you could ask random questions and like some sort of human Wiki, he had the answer. I was beyond smitten and it sucked.

We survived a somewhat long distance relationship. We met at a university an hour from my childhood home on Long Island. He excelled. I failed. He stayed. I left. I transferred to a less intense major at a small private college. Somehow we managed to stay together and spent the next three years worth of weekends together. I basically ruined his college experience to be honest. Whatever... 

Once we graduated, his family wanted him to get his own place. I wasn't ready to move out. I was working part-time for a publisher three days a week at a whopping $10 an hour. I just didn't know how I'd swing renting a place in Manhattan without a full-time gig. He was working in a museum gift shop also earning $10 an hour while trying to secure something having to do with his major. Even though it was 1997, there was no way a couple with a combined income of like $1500 a month could swing a place in NYC. 

My folks weren't keen on the idea of us living together. There was no talk of marriage and they brought up weird scenarios like if we bought a couch together, who would keep it if we broke up? I panicked and pressured him. Things began to take a turn for the worst. I could feel him slipping away and tried to hold on by giving him an espresso machine as a late Valentine's Day gift. I should have realized he was hours away from dumping me when he kept saying he couldn't accept such a gift.

I remember the night like it was yesterday. Our final weekend together. We spent Friday night at a TGI Friday's and he left rather early on Saturday. He told me he had to work that Sunday. We usually kept in touch, but this weekend, nothing. Saturday night and all of Sunday came and went. My calls went unanswered. By midnight on Sunday, I knew it was over. I could just feel it. He had ignored all of my "pages" as this was before cell phones. 

Finally around 1 AM, I got the call. He was quiet. He began telling me he was talking to his friend and well, he no longer wanted to be with me. He didn't want to marry me and it would be best if we end it. I discovered somehow that he "met" a new girl from his new job rather fast. My guess is he was seeing her on the side, though I'll never truly know. Honestly at this point in my life, I'm so in love with my husband that I really don't care. 

The pain I felt those next few months was unbearable. I had lost my best friend and it hurt so deeply. Every morning, I'd ride the train to work and go over all of the mistakes I had made in our relationship. Behind dark sunglasses, my eyes would be pink and swollen with tears.

I felt so empty, alone and betrayed. The truth is it hurt because I didn't get to do it first. I had wanted to end things and just kept thinking maybe it would get better. It never really did. I think I reached a point where I was more in love with the idea of him than him. I think for me, it was the rejection. It killed me that someone didn't want to be connected to me anymore. That was what broke my heart.

How about you? Breakups are something almost everyone has in common. We've all been the dumpee or dumper at some point...

Love Ya Like A Sister

I'll never understand what goes on within the male mind. Sure, I could pick up a crap load of psychology books and search the web until my eyes bug out, but deep down I'll just never understand why guys constantly pass up awesome girls. Some say fear of commitment. If you're a chick, you will probably just shut me up with a simple, "guys suck." But this doesn't do it for me. I need more of an answer than that.

I know this girl. She's super cool. She's super pretty. She's super into working out and eats all this healthy crap. I wish I could be half as good as she is when it comes to eating right. She's smart with a variety of degrees to back it up and is from one of those "good families." She even goes to church! She's the type who doesn't argue over a dollar if she picks up a coffee for you. She's the kind of girl you would introduce to your best guy friend or brother in hopes they'd marry her. Maybe her only flaw, in a guy's world is, gasp, she has confidence. She has a reason to be self-assured, I would be too if I were her.

Over the past few months, she's been hanging out with this guy and wondering where they are headed. Suddenly the pressure is on and he's doing the, "You're an awesome friend" thing and it's really pissing me off. What's wrong with him? She's several years younger than him so it's not like she's ready for marriage. He's over 30 so you can't say he's too young to get serious - not that she ever told him she was looking for a move-in-with-me-next-month boyfriend. He loves doing stuff with her like hittin' golf balls around and doing the yuppie happy hour scene together.

I hate to say this "out loud," but it's situations like this that make me thankful to be married and done playing the damn game. It's a relentless cycle. Now I'm not speaking for her, I'm thinking about my own experiences here.

You get to know someone, give them all of your thoughts. Spend all of this special energy on them. You know what I mean? That "What do I wear? I must purchase an outfit on my way home from work for tonight" energy. That laying in bed thinking, "Will he call me tomorrow?" energy. Spending so much time "wondering" where things will go if they will go anywhere. The meeting his friends thing. The hoping his parents are nice thing. Ugh, it sucks. I don't want to ever relive all that.

Online dating is even worse. Then you have the constant series of interviews. It's quite similar to putting yourself on Monster.com. You do the initial email. Then there's the follow-up email. If he liked your "cover letter" then you've landed your first interview, a-hem, date. Date one is the big interview. You're spiffed up in your best gear with not a hair out of place. You've thought and rethought your makeup and jewelry. Each word that leaves your lips is clever and somewhat rehearsed.

If it goes well, you'll receive a call back. I guess for those who are actors, it's much like an audition. Right? So then you go ahead with interview two, maybe a third one, by the fourth encounter, you're then on 30-90 days probation. You get the idea...

I'm no prize and I'm not claiming to be. I just feel for my girls who have to deal with the emotional roller coaster guessing game otherwise known as dating scene. However, when things go well for them, then I secretly live vicariously through the single girls. Experiencing the excitement and newness along with them. But when things don't go as well, my heart aches and I want to clobber these guys and say, "Dude, this chick rocks and you're totally missing out!"

As always, thanks for listening.




I read this book years ago even though it was written for younger teens and I was about 18, it was so my life.